Frustration

I'm trying desperately but not finding much of that creative mojo I was hoping would spring forth with the new year.

To be honest, I'm drowning in work. I'd say 50% of my projects are things I have no interest in at all. Coding, writing reports, meeting with consultants at work. And another 50% are things I'm greatly interested in. Graphic work, writing, exciting projects.

The problem is that 50% plus 50% don't add up to 100%. They add up to more like 150% of the hours in the day. I'm completely overwhelmed and just spinning. My life feels volatile on so many levels and sometimes I find myself really yearning to let some of that out in a creative way but I just don't have the time.

Frustrating for sure.

Creative New Year

The last few weeks I haven't felt much inspiration. At least, not of the sort I'd post about here. But now it's the new year and I'm trying to be very open to creativity. I've cleared the guest room (where I go for quiet time when it's too cold outside) and I'm adding pieces to my inspiration wall. Soon, I'll have to snap a photo. In keeping with my desire to be receptive to whatever muse may smack me around grab hold, I'm printing this Creative Manifesto to keep nearby. Check it out, you may like it.

One of my favorite gifts that I received over the holidays was from Joe's Auntie. Don't you love those gifts that you had no idea you wanted but they are somehow perfect for you? She sent me Charley Harper's coloring book and a brand new set of colored pencils.

I adore this book - it's like a coloring book for grown-ups, full of modern-looking line art. It's been awhile since I spent any time coloring but I'm sure Auntie thought it would be a nice calming activity for me. One I can do in the guest room, even. Yay Auntie!

Winter

Tori Amos Winter (full).

Winter (Tori Amos)

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove

I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was

Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

I love the lyrics to this song. The security of a father, going off on your own, indecision, uncertainty, expectations... And if you listen to it, it sounds very much like winter. Tinkly snowflakes falling, a little cold. And absolutely beautiful.

Beth posted a prompt at The One-Minute Writer today about Snow. Here's what I wrote:

Snow memories are some of my favorite from childhood. Sledding, snowmen, forts, snowball fights...

But one of my favorite snow-activities was to bundle up in all of my wet-resistant warm clothes and go lay in the middle of the neighbor's field. It was large enough that you only caught hints of trees along the edges in your peripheral vision. Staring straight up into the sky, watching snowflakes float towards me. A few would hover on my eyelids before melting away. I loved to listen to the sounds of the snow falling, distant branches creaking, animals in the pine grove nearby.

I'd really like to lay in that field right now and spend some quiet time listening to the world. Maybe it would tell me something if only I could hear.

I miss the snow. And I miss laying in that field during all seasons. I think it would do me a world of good to lay in the middle of a field right now.

"The Lie"

The Lie by Felix Vallotton

It's not often that I'm totally taken by a painting but a few years ago, we saw the Cone Collection from the Baltimore Museum of Art when it toured through our undisclosed location. While the main focus was on the works of some guys named Matisse and Picasso, this work by lesser-known Felix Vallotton is the one that caught my eye. And I've been obsessed with it ever since.

It was painted in 1897 but it could've just as easily been a scene staged today. A man and woman, intimately entwined on a sofa. I love imagining what Vallotton's intent was with the figures in this image, especially given the title of Le Mensonge (The Lie).

It's easy to assume the woman is lying - he appears to be listening while she whispers something in his ear. But perhaps he is the one deceiving her as he glances away; maybe she is whispering words of trust and love and he is thinking of the way he has tricked her.

What is the lie about? Is one of them cheating? Some speculate the woman is pregnant. Is he the father?

I also love the various reds used here - the color used to signify passion and anger. The darker colors of the man and the flowers (that maybe he brought to her as a gift?) are another reason I like to think Vallotton was indicating the man as the dishonest player.

What do you see? How do you interpret this image?

Also, will you track down a print and buy it for me? This would look amazing in my living room but Joe doesn't seem too keen on having a piece about lying hanging above the mantle.

California at Night

I'm done milking the California trip now. Promise. Anyways, click for larger versions if you're interested.

Taking A Leap

Please go read this post: The Wednesday Chef - Leap And The Net Will Appear.

I want to write that post. I want to realize who I am and take action. I want to find the confidence to be successful. I want to take a leap towards making myself happy.

Why is it such a scary thing, finding a way to believe in ourselves and move towards fulfillment? It's alarming how much easier it is to stay in the daily routine no matter how much that rut is sucking the life out of you.

Anyways, read the post. I found it inspirational and motivating. I've been meaning to share the link here so I can refer back to it when I need a kick in the pants. Which will be roughly once every five minutes if I don't go ahead and take control soon.

Around California

One more set of California trip photos left after this one. These are just random photos fromhere and there. Anyways, click for larger versions if you're interested.

(I'm partial to #4 and #5 - the wine bottles and the water fountain outside the winery)